who is giiilbeaux?

I am a red bird in a sea of blackness
Don't know if I'll land this
Land or sea makes no difference

A stand out, stand in

Made no plans to win
Hell... It is hard enough to begin

It would be terribly hard for someone to walk a mile in my shoes.  There are times when I am completely free of shoes.  There are other times when my feet are bound by wood... unable to move from the infectious state...

Sometimes i walk toward my horizon... taking steps toward my purpose and my dream.  But then there are times when I am stuck going in circles... one leg planted will I move to the left flailing my arms... looking for focus...

For this reason I have two pairs for shoes... I don't know where my path will take me...

Perhaps
Marching over stones, kicking up dust.
Searching for something motivated by lust
Something I cannot trust
Blinded
Binded
Like my feet.

No matter how successful you may be or think you may be, does not mean that you will be happy. You can create the most beautiful clothes (Alexander McQueen), create the most innovative beats (J Dilla), or create the most timeless characters (Zora Neale Hurston), but you cannot create happiness for yourself.

It is one of the worst feelings in the world to know that your art makes other people happy, but it (as it relates to us, the artist) means little when discovering your own happiness.  I believe that it comes from the need to create and wanting others to accept you and your creation.  Understand you and your creation.  But maybe we as artists need to take the time to understand ourselves.  What is it in us that causes us to feel so deeply?  Why is it that we can't find peace in the art that we create? 

When someone creates they are bringing something into existence.  It is as close as we will get to being a creator like God.  Why isn't that enough?  The God in you should be loved fiercely; the creations (that are of God) should be loved fiercely.  But it is something deeper, something innate, something esoteric...  Something I cannot pin point.  Something I cannot define.  Something that I wil continue to search for...

Zora Neale Hurston had a beautiful mind.  She ended up as most of us with beautiful minds do... driven crazy by the beauty in her mind while trying to live in this ugly world.

There is a debate about intelligence and insanity.  I won't say that I have been keeping up with it, but I do believe that there is a strong correlation between the two.  According to a new study, which is linked to the title of the post, the same gene that makes you smart can also lead to mental illness.

I won't get into the debate in this post, but I just wanted to give you something to think about.

Clark Atlanta University Accused of Fraudulently Violating Rights of Faculty Members What is going on with our HBCUs? What can we do to help? It seems that this continues to be a trend among the schools that were founded to educate minority students. Why can we not move past this stigma?

I wish there was an ignore button in real life. There have been many times when I have been forced to engage in a conversation when I would rather not. There have been times when men have tried to get my attention and where only successful because of the slightest turn of my head. Or times when someone, in the midst of the conversation, has said something that has made me completely uncomfortable. The ignore button would spare me from having to wiggle out of those situations. I could stop certain relationships before they start. It would allow me to save myself from other peoples' ignorance. I believe I have the ability to see what type of relationship I will have with someone when I first meet them. I don't mean that I can see actual pictures of the relationship, but I can feel what emotion(s) that I will experience during the relationship- this concerns both men and women. When I first met one of my best friends, I remember getting a heavy, yet warm feeling when meeting her. At the time I didn't realize what it meant, but now that I am older (and pay greater attention to all of my emotions at all times) I understand from where it came. Our relationship has had its up and DOWNS, but through it all we remain very close friends. I have learned many, sometimes painful, life changing lessons from this relationship. Every lesson has made me a better person and friend. The heavy feeling I noticed when we first met was the weight of the pain, guilt, change, etc. I was to experience. The warm feeling was the enlightenment, strength, courage, etc. that I was to gain. Now that I understand that I have this ability the ignore button would be ideal. I could ignore people immediately and avoid another encounter. My sixth sense is usually quite accurate, but sometimes (I allow) other emotions to become stronger because I dont want to listen. Sometimes I get myself in too deep before I realize or stop to listen to what my sixth sense is saying. The ignore button would work beautifully for this type of situation. I could send people to a message letting them know that I am no longer listening to anything that they have to say. "Hello, you have just been ignored. Please excuse yourself from my personal space immediately. Please proceed to the furthest distance away from me that you can find. Please note that you have done something that/ said something that: a. embarrassed me or yourself; b. offended me; c. was to ignorant to acknowledge; d. I am ashamed to have witnessed; e. I can not wrap my brain around. I will no longer subject myself to your foolishness. Thank you and have a wonderful day!"

In my quest to gain a better understanding of myself (and also allow others that opportunity), I have been researching my illness. I have found that many people don't understand that there are different types of depression. Not all depression is a 'sad moment'; there are some types of depression that are chronic, a lifetime battle. Not all depression is caused by a failure or downfall in life; some days waking up is enough to cause a crying fit. The illness I suffer from is called clinical depression or major depressive disorder. I have attached a link (from wikipedia... i know, but it is a featured article; click on blog titel to read it) that gives an awesome definition. Clinical depression is no walk in the park. It is very scary, and at times very dangerous (I have tried to kill myself twice). But there is hope and things that I can do to remain sane. My only issue now is finding my peace of mind...